Step 1: Be Honest About Your Emotions
There are two dreaded words that you never want to hear from (or say to) your significant other—“it’s over.” Afterwards, you have a good cry (or two or three), pick up the phone and call anyone who’ll listen and try to make sense of it all. Neil Sadaka said it best in his song “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” Even harder is picking up the pieces. “The Breakup Series: Finding yourself” goes through 3 steps in 3 weeks for rediscovering yourself.
Shock & Anger
Post breakup, women tend to don the emotional cape of anger afterwards, and dwell there in a most unhealthy way. That’s why it’s so important that we deal with our true feelings and not allow them to fuel drama after a breakup. I believe that this is one of the reasons that breakups involving young children are tragic. They are stuck in the middle while the parents create a maelstrom of havoc around them. Dealing with the pain of a breakup is perhaps one of the bravest and boldest things you can do for yourself (and your children if you have any). It helps you to heal and become whole and complete. Not doing so can have negative consequences for you down the line.
We all deal with breakups in different ways so it’s no surprise if you have friends or relatives who’ll eventually say “get over it” or “you’re not over it yet?” We put on the brave face and soldier on. After my engagement went south, I had to find my way through emotions (particularly anger) that were off the charts and my brave face didn’t last for long.
I’d made the mistake of believing that this person was my ‘rock’—the only thing that seemed to be without conflict in my otherwise hectic life. He was after all, an Apostle and appeared to be upright, caring, and above all else honest. So when this man began to hint that he wanted to be with a pastor he’d met during a spiritual retreat, it was a devastating blow.
Pain & Anger
I’ve heard it stated many times that it’s better to feel the anger because the pain won’t be as bad. Unfortunately, that is not always true. Dwelling in an angry state just delays the inevitable task of dealing with the deep hurt. Not doing this had terrible consequences for me so my advice would be to feel the anger, but don’t bury the pain.
When the pain finally hit me the hardest- several months down the line—it felt like I was going through it all over again. By then the “dust” of the breakup had settled, I’d have occasional conversations about it with loved ones, and convinced myself that everything was better. I did it because I felt that everyone expected me to “be ok by now”. What I really did to myself was create confusion and prolonged anger and pain that took me a long time to recover from. That anger followed me everywhere and felt like a bolder in my spirit (I’ll show you how in the next post “The Denial” in week 2).
If you are going through a breakup don’t smother those feelings. They are yours and yours alone and can’t be measured by someone else’s expectations of your how you should feel. Feel what you need to feel for however long it takes.
Bolder Sisters, how did you overcome the initial pain and shock of a breakup?
Kim Woods earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Information Systems at DeVry University. She developed a love for writing poetry and short stories as a child. Kim is socially conscience and her desire to use her life experiences to help others is what drives her to seek opportunities to share her story. She decided to write freelance for the Bolder Sister because it is her desire that women evolve and thrive in their own authentic truth.
Kim resides in Chicago, Illinois and has one son, Donald. In addition to writing, she spends free time creating unique wall art, decorating, and teaching herself how to sculpture.
©2014 Kim R. Woods
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One thought on “The Breakup Series Week One: The Breakup”
Another great article Kim! For me, with 2 significant breakups, I would initially hide how badly I was affected but eventually talking it out with close friends helped to make things bearable. Both times I lost my appetite and when I got it back..I knew I was over that loss! Sadly, I think that the stress of a bad break-up takes more of a physical toll on women than it does on men (from weight loss to pimples to hair loss).